Should we be eating 6 fruit and vegetables a day?

Money has been poured into the government campaign to encourage people to eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day. However, startling new research suggests that the government has got it wrong.

Professor Kubby Broccoli, Chair of Fruit Research at King’s College, London explains. ‘What is important, of course, in eating fruit and vegetables is the vitamin nodules that you gain from eating them. With five fruit and vegetables, the body receives an odd number of fruit nodules. This then leads to a fregetable imbalance.’

1. fregetable node intake
2. paired nodes bond leaving a free radical fregetable node.
3. rogue fregetable node can bond with lymph nodes, causing possible cancer

This fregetable imbalance means that in some rare cases, eating five portions a day can endanger people’s health. Professor Broccoli explains, ‘sometimes the imbalance means there is a spare, or rogue fruit nodule in the human body. This can then form a bond with a human lymph node, which can in unfortunate cases become cancerous. The sad irony is that many people are eating 5 portions a day in the belief that this will deter cancer, when in fact they could be putting themselves more at risk.'

So what does the academic community think of Professor Broccoli’s research? The Bourgeois spoke to Dr. Sherry, a fellow of Cambridge University Medical School. Dr. Sherry was not convinced by the theory that 5 portions could be harmful. However, Dr. Sherry did suggest that 5 portions was the wrong number. ‘With 5 portions a day, the human body is simply not receiving the requisite number of fruit nodules for a healthy lifestyle. I would suggest 7 portions, or even 8 or 9 is the bare minimum that the average adult male requires.’

Possible benefits of eating 6 fruit and vegetables a day include:

• Getting your child into your first choice secondary school
• Enable you to buy a house in South East England
• Allow you to differentiate yourself from the moron proles who’ve started eating 5 fruit salad for lunch