The Brown Pages

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The following is presented as a work of fictional comedic opinion. Due to the consistently insane nature of this piece, I hope you'll agree that no reasonable person would seriously believe what would seem to be the claims made herein. Therefore there is no defamation in the general estimation of right-thinking members of society. If you disagree please contact the Webmaster.

Let your arse do the talking!

I am calling this item Brown pages, it’s a bit like Yellow pages but the colour of shit and contains shit. It’s a list of companies with ratings, that should be avoided like the plague or a dose of arse crabs.

DO not work for any of these companies under any circumstances unless you’ve got a horrible virus that’s contagious and want to take to shower of cunts out, to better mankind or you need to demonstrate a show of solidarity with alkiadah by blowing yourself to bits.

Company	Concorde Express - John Menzies Freight. Heathrow Airport Down South (Also at Manchester Airport)
Description	Run by a northern cunt with a flash car and small dick. Employed anyone based on the appearance of minimum life signs and two or more legs.
Management Rating	total twats and fat pissheads
Worker Rating	Great bunch of lads but too cosmopolitan.
Graft Rating	Very physical. Expect your back to go west. Wanked out after 12 months.
Job Satisfaction	dirty word here, I’m afraid. but great satisfaction mash things up and evaded aeroplanes with vans.
Wages/Mulia	12K plus you get to smash peoples luggage to pieces and drive round Heathrow Airport pissed.
Rating	10 total shit +

Company	ISC Industrial Cleaners. Whipcord Lane Chester
Description	The lowest paying employers in the history of mankind. Put to pasture by the minium wage or fucked off to Indian in search of cheaper labour.
Management Rating	total twats + fat bitch with an arse like a rhino.
Worker Rating	Good bunch of lads except Mr B.Blackburn of Slough. Nonce!
Graft Rating	physical but early darts in progress like cleaning in progress but you get to go home early. Except asbestosis long trem or getting stabbed to death by a piss head.
Job Satisfaction	Only if you get a kick out polished floors and looking at fat arses.
Wages/Mulia	5K a fucking wood pidgeon couldn’t survive on these wages not even if it was made of clay.
Rating	10 total shit

Company	Jaguar/Landrover. Ford Complex Speke Boulevard Speke Liverpool
Description	Posh company thats taken on Fords old barn at speke to build fat rich bastards cars that are good to go doggin in when the wive’s getting fucked by the window cleaner. They are also given away for nothing if your’e a celeb or on the Liverpool Council back hander list.
Management Rating	total twats and thick as bulls cock.
Worker Rating	Some decent types but too many dope heads.
Graft Rating	Not physical. Expect to have your head fucked in by bagheads talking shit. Take bog roll to work unless you want to wipe your arse along the deck, bagheads nick bog roll.
Job Satisfaction	dirty word here, I’m afraid. except if you a stoner then nothing matters except your next splifh.
Wages/Mulia	11K plus cheap chong and lots street theatre. Don’t apply if you have an allergy to mongs.
Rating	10 total shit +++

Company	KD products. Redwither Tower Wrexham Industrial Estate Wrexham
Description	run by a steptoe and son look-alike without the charisma. The old man refused to consider closing the works even when a case of meningitidous broke out. He cared so much about the workforce he was willing to share it with them all.
Management Rating	total twats. Fucking steptoe and son were more efficient.
Worker Rating	Some decent types but too many welsh head cases.
Graft Rating	Physical. Expect lung cancer long term.
Job Satisfaction	In the words of Austin Powers, Oh behave!
Wages/Mulia	9K stop breathing and you can survive.
Rating	10 total shit

Company	Matalan. Warrington But applies to any Matalan
Description	An empire built up by dodgy scouser, who has same respect for employees as Hitler had for Russians( subhumans ). It’s a trust thing Mr dogdy scouser.
Management Rating	total twats
Worker Rating	Mainly mank bastards and a few strange people, who are quite funny. Go ome, go lergion for pint and Take dog up fill for shit- The life of a Matalan worker.
Graft Rating	Not physical. Expect to be brain dead after six months.
Job Satisfaction	Only when you shit your pants.
Wages/Mulia	10K not worth the arse ache.
Rating	10 total shit +++

Company	PolyOne Ltd. Everite Rd Widnes
Description	Small outfit with smaller budget and large managers. Managers didn’t like the idea of working long hours for 35 grand. Solution ; he could have worked short hours for 13 grand on the shop floor.
Management Rating	total twats behind the scenes blah blah bullshit.
Worker Rating	Very few decent types. Lots of grasses and people of low moral calibre i.e Buffalo Bill, Pat Butcher, Stemroach, flaps, Ulysses the second, arkwright and the nautilus. Weirdo warning here as well.
Graft Rating	Physical. Expect asthma, skin& eye problems and wanked out back short term. Also arse problems, head fuck and weirdness.
Job Satisfaction	Only if you left school with no qualifications, expect metalwork (bell end polishing banjo strings tuning and bollock groomimg)
Wages/Mulia	13K after you master the polishing technique and have avoided been harrsassed to death by the widi piss flap – mongalian tribe.
Rating	10 total shit

Company	Vibroplant Plc. Halebank Widnes (Applies to depots all over country)
Description	Run by old fart who sold out to public sector when he ended shitting his pants in his big mansion. Probably had no sons because he was so tight he wouldn’t part with his own spunk.
Management Rating	total twats. Experts at mental torture and could have been a roll model for kraut death squads.
Worker Rating	Majority decent types but one to two bell ends.
Graft Rating	Not physical. Expect skin problems long term.
Job Satisfaction	Only when you reduce the boss to a quivering wreck and build an engine that blows up.
Wages/Mulia	5K enough for 12 pints of lager, a ruby murray, an old brass and a gram of coke every Friday night. What more does a man need.
Rating	10 total shit

Company	Vital Agency or any Employment agency in the UK. Rat Trap House Shithouse street Kirby industrial estate Skemersdale Lancashire (For other agencies see William Wilberforce abolition of slavery, Corn laws, 1800’s, sharpe and all that shite.)
Description	not to be confused with business agenies who are just as shit but don’t fuck your wages up or hold back wages for the interest scam. They just fuck other companies(the customer) over and provide useless people with crap jobs in return for a quick buck.
Management Rating	total twats with flash cars and bad hair cuts.
Worker Rating	Lowlife pond scum from Outer Mongolia mixed with the bell end tribe. Qualifications dope dealing and being orrible
Graft Rating	Physical. Who the fucks gonna work for them long term. Short-term head fuck, growth of second arsehole and lowering of self-esteem to nil.
Job Satisfaction	it’s not a job so it does count. Possibly getting sacked could be counted as satisfying.
Wages/Mulia	11k if you’re lucky enough to get paid. Bachs systems don’t seem to work for agenies especially at holiday times. They catch a virus called int.scam.bastardobell-end-file only found on agency networks and impossible to kill.
Rating	10 1/2 total shit

Company	Subway Sheffield
Description	Victorian labour in polo shirts. If you want to see the authentic face of capitalism, go and work in a place like this. I’m surprised they didn’t give us flat caps so we could touch them respectfully when our evil sandwich overseer came in.
Management Rating	My favourite bit of working for Subway was when the area manager came to see the manager of our shop; they had had a cup of tea. SHOP MANAGER: so see you then, Mr. Beadle (goes to wash up his mug). MR. BEADLE THE AREA MANAGER: (moves to stop him and takes mug from hand) No Dave. (Gives mug to passing sandwich artist) That’s what THEY’RE here for. Yeah, thanks, I’m off to go and work in a Victorian cotton mill instead, safer, better labour conditions, and probably pay you more than a shilling a week.
Worker Rating	mainly a load of MA students who looked like they were there to either write a melodramatic expose about the working conditions for the Observer, or kill themselves in 48 hours.
Graft Rating	Scrub the toilet till I can see my fackin face in it. One of those places where you always have to look like you’re doing something. Get jaw ache from being told to smile at people and ask if they want Jalapeno peppers on their footlong. If you think eating a sandwich filled with meatballs and cheese washed down with a pint of coke is healthy fast food, then you deserve all you get.
Job Satisfaction	Well, you get to be a sandwich artist. Which is pretty fucking satisfying, someone at Subway has obviously been reading about alienation from labour (know your enemy, very good). No only do you get to create a beautiful piece of sandwich, you also get to live the authentic life of an artist, starving, feeling depressed, getting to cut your appendages off (with the tomato slicer). The best satisfaction was sacking it off when I was supposed to come in for a shift, then sinking into depression as I realised I didn’t have any other source of income.
Wages/Mulia	Well it was supposed to be the princely sum of Ł3.65 an hour. Don’t forget, this was 2003, so Ł3.65 could buy you a pound of minced steak, some dripping and a small terrace. However, I can’t actually verify this, since the bastards didn’t pay me when I quit after a week.
Rating	-

Company	Takapunas glass collector Sheffield
Description	-
Management Rating	I don’t remember seeing a single manager, the managers were the ones who knew how to pour a pint of pissy lager. Someone somewhere is making a lot of money out of that place, but not the ‘managers’ I fear.
Worker Rating	A load of morons who wanted to wear Diesel jeans and take a lot of coke. Talked about how much money they spent on clothes in USC.
Graft Rating	Avoiding dickheads dancing to funky house shite and sweeping up the broken glass from round their feet.
Job Satisfaction	Catching some coked up morons shagging in the womens bogs and telling the bouncers was probably the most fun.
Wages/Mulia	Well at least this one actually paid me which is something. Think it was about Ł4.00 an hour, pretty good when you finished at 2 in the morning, couldn’t afford a taxi back and had to avoid the muggers and the morons leaving takapunas to be sick everywhere.
Rating	-

Company	JJB Sports Chester / Nationwide
Description	Shower of bastards that don't have any customer service skills.people who talk the well known language of total bollocks
Management Rating	run by a wanker who's got so much time on this hands he moans about staff chewing gum - total nob + bell end. couldn't manage a shit without dropping a spud on the bathroom carpet. they could possibly run a house letting agency in saltney though.
Worker Rating	the workers are arseholes, don't know anyone who has worked for JJb but they've got to go on brown pages because they sold me a shit bike then tryed to tell me a mountain bike can't be used off road.
Graft Rating	They don't seem to move so this can't apply. i think minus 10 know.
Job Satisfaction	There must be a lot people who get satisfaction from do nothing.
Wages/Mulia	minium wage probably for staff. if you're an area manager/member of the board of bastards then it's loads of dosh and the power to humiliate pie eaters and dummies.
Rating	10.1 shite

Company	The Pancake Brothel, Chester
Description	brilliant when the management performed one of her disappearing acts and my 16 year old self was given free reign over a pancake house. when management reappeared again......worst job ever.
Management Rating	she was a 'madam'....no, really.
Worker Rating	dead good, we stuck together through the 'you stole all the money' accusations after said madam had spent the days takings on crotchless thongs for her girls.
Graft Rating	extremely fucking hard during the nightshift serving raw dog meat ahem tasty burgers to all the local scumbags whilst trying to ignore yells of 'ayup shes alright in there'
Job Satisfaction	very satisfying having sweaty men admire my tits all day after i'd been instructed to wear a low cut top because 'its good for business'
Wages/Mulia	Ł4.25 an hour (after my 4 pence pay rise) although the managements 'good for business' technique worked quite well on the tips front.
Rating

Company	Neil Down
Description	articled clerk to the Del boy of the North. Representing the great unwashed of Widnes accused of criminal acts and helping them with their benefit claims and putting in a claim against the Council for tripping over a paving stone when coming out the pub bladdered.
Management Rating	Great job if you like shmouzing the post Thatcher lumpenproletariat of the chemical industry that is otherwise called widnes (where the daffodills grow brown by the banks of the chemical substance that is called the river mersey ).
Worker Rating	sole destroying monotany broken by the occasional light relief of the mentally disturbed client instructing you that he wants to sue his psychiatrist for withdrawing his pure heroin reefer. "I want to fucking go away to Scotland and sit on the top of a Mountain and their all bastards"
Graft Rating	purely mental. expect to get writers cramp after the 10th Legal aid form completed in an hour
Job Satisfaction	your kidding! its all about deferred gratification ( its a middle class thing )
Wages/Mulia	piss poor see last entry
Rating	10 total shit?

Company	COURIER SYSTEMS KENSAL GREEN NW11 THAT FUCKING LONDON
Description	COURIER COMPANY BASED IN T'SMOKE LONDIUM DOWN SOUTH. WORKED ON A SYSTEM OF MY MATES GET ALL THE GOOD JOBS AND JOHNNY FOREIGNOR/NORTHERN NOBHEADS GETS SHIT ON.
Management Rating	"ON THE PHONE ! ON THE PHONE ! CALLME ON THE FACKING PHONE YOU CANT!" ARE THE ONLY WORDS NEEDED TO KNOW JOIN THE MANAGEMENT TEAM.
Worker Rating	RIGHT BUNCH OF WEIRDOS FROM EVERY COUNTRY AND REGION YOU CAN THINK OF. LOTTS OF AUSSIES, ITALIES AND SCOUSERS.
Graft Rating	TEN HOURS A DAY RIDING ROUND THE SMOKE ON A K100 BMW MOTORBIKE.MUST BE ABLE TO DRIVE IN A STRAIGHT LINE WHILE READING AN A-Z AND OPERATING A RADIO WITHOUT RUNNING INTO THINGS. THE ABILITY TO RUN DOWN A ALLEY FOR A PISS/CRAP WITHOUT BEING SEEN IN THE LARGEST CITY IN WORLD, PROBABLY.
Job Satisfaction	NONE EXCISTENT. EXCEPT IF YOU LIKE DRIVING A BMW (THAT HANDLES LIKES A PISSED UP CAMEL ON ACID) DOWN STREETS AT 90 MPH WITH A BURSTING BALDDER AND A BROWN SPUD PUSHING THROUGH YOUR UNDIES.
Wages/Mulia	Ł300 QUID OR 3000 LIRA DEPENDING ON NATIONALITY OR 300 PINTS OF LAGER OF AUSSIE PISS HEADS
Rating	9 BIKES ARE GOOD

Company	Richardson Sheffield
Description	Ancient cutlery firm built, ironically, near the site of one of the Sheffield workhouses. Toilets in a Portakabin.
Management Rating	The foreman was an evil an scary woman who was one of the nastiest and most miserable bastards I have ever met. She was so shockingly horrible that I would pass my day wishing something painful upon her, until the day when she was run over by a fork lift truck. I nearly shit myself, almost believing I had willed this to happen but went home almost looking forward to the next day as I knew she wouldn't be there with her miserable face and mucky gob. How wrong I was. The rotten cow turned up for work as usual sporting a full-leg cast and crutches. The bastard.
Worker Rating	The 'entry test'(yes, they have standards)involved being timed to use a pen to put dots in a grid if boxes to prove how quick yet thorough you were. I passed with flying colours as the imbecile testing me was more interested in flirting with a woman sat packing knives on the next table.Workforce made up of 98% scary women and a few blokes suffering from Small Man Syndrome.
Graft Rating	Job involved among other things, packing knives into boxes, cleaning the brass rivets on steak knives with a bit of rag dipped in an unknown chemical that made your teeth go numb and fixing plastic handles onto knives.This involved putting the blade into a metal pot which was wired up to the mains until it was hot enough to push into a plastic handle, catching a nice little shock of a couple of hundred volts in the process.
Job Satisfaction	Soul destroying and a bit dangerous. The highlight of my time there was the once a week priveledge of having to sweep the whole of the factory floor for the whole day while being constantly told to 'FUCKIN SHIFT WILL YER' Happy days.
Wages/Mulia	Ł80 a week.
Rating	Off the scale

Company	Peters Thompson, Chesterfield
Description	PT is the place where careers go to die. Full of contradictions, such as a rigourous health and safety policy, which is let down by the employment of uberbabes on reception, which greatly endanger the health and safety of any male member of staff's pants.
Management Rating	The managers couldn't manage a second helping of dinner.
Worker Rating	Either oily bonk-wits, who got all the plumb jobs by fulfilling the chief engineer's wish to have staff puff his daddy (the righteous non-falationic man is left putting 3000 letters into envelopes telling people they're getting a motorway built through their front garden) Or late middle age men with serious throat problems that make deafening throat clearing noises whilst showering you with an incessant stream of phlegm. Too bad BHS doesn't sell wipe down work shirts.
Graft Rating	Due to pioneering levels of mismanagment, graft ranges from so slow and boring staff tearfully plead for work, to so hectic that folks have to work evenings and weekends until a mental breakdown comes as a merciful release.
Job Satisfaction	The only satisfaction I got was handing in my notice, and bravely having a major rant on an anonomous feedback form.
Wages/Mulia	A frankly insulting Ł24,500.
Rating	10

Company	Husco Runcorn
Description	Make valves for tractors etc to help farmers churn up every inch of the planets surface. Founded by some redneck in jerk water USA but who lately realized that cheap labour out east is the way forward just like every other multi-national blood sucker.Lets make some iron boys, who does this fucker think he is that guy of American chopper .foreigh investment blame maggie thatcher for this shit.
Management Rating	This is absolutely the worst run outfit I have ever seen, the Muppets on crack could run the show better, the people in charge are totally incompetent. Jobs for the boys, same old story drinking partners and mates get best jobs. If you can work here for five or more years without going loopy then you deserve The Victoria Cross or you’ve had your brain extracted by aliens or Americans. The People in charge UK end, don’t seem to have a fucking clue and the American owners don’t seem to give a toss their looking east for bigger bucks and company trips to Indian to fuck behind their wife’s back.
Worker Rating	weirdo Runcorn types and even weirdier widi. No qualifications needed. Expected to pass some total bullshit test about the effects of firing bullets on the moon - must be run by aliens
Graft Rating	Here’s a nice simile to compare working at husco. If you have ever watched Schindlers list - then the scene were the nazi prison boss asks the one arm Jewish prisoner to build him a hinge and then pulls a watch out and times him - that’s what its like working at Husco. If don’t do the quota required you get the bullet. A computer times everything you do if you want a shit hold the fucker in till break because it’s not productive.
Job Satisfaction	Job satisfaction - does apply unless you’re a Cyberdine T101 robot or are so scared of being on the dole you’ll do anything. Must like hydraulic oil preferably be able to drink it and live in it.
Wages/Mulia	- just a nose in front of minimum wage. But shit shift allowance plus no staff grade so if you go sick” pray its terminal” that way you can leave the state to sort out all your unpaid bills while you’re surfing with the devil on the lake fire in hell.
Rating	9.999999 total shit

Company	Soon to be 'under new management' George IV Inn Eskdale Cumbria CA19 1TS
Description	In the heart of the lakes, in glorious countryside, a little inn nestles under the shoulders of the hills. Just don't make the mistake of going in to buy a drink. IT'S JUST FOR LOOKING AT, OK?
Management Rating	Inarticulate semi sentient being.
Worker Rating	The cast of 'Deliverance'.
Graft Rating	Having to hoist fat arse off the chair to deal with complaints, and consequently missing crucial Kilmarnock-Dumbarton results. Data entry on internet review sites claiming anonymously ' I don't understand what all these people are on about, it really is a super pub!' Nice try.
Job Satisfaction	Getting to bang the confused mail order bride/daughter/jobsworth behind the bar and claiming it's part of the job description?
Wages/Mulia	About 4 quid a week, generated by exorbitant mark up on soda water and flogging tap water to heat stricken pensioners.
Rating	About 3 total shit, rising to 10 when realises the bullnecked aggro twat approach doesn't play well in the job centre.

Company	HALTON EMPLOYMENT PROGRAM OR SHEFFIELD EMPLOYMENT PROGRAM ETC......
Description	INDEPENDENT BODY SETUP BY LOCAL COUNCIL TO HELP -THE DEAD OLD,THE DEAD THICK AND THE DEAD FUCKED IN THE HEAD TO GET BACK TO WORK - TO STOP THE BASTARDS SPONGEING OF THE STATE. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: IF YOU SHOULD EXCEPT THE MISSION, THEN YOUR MISSION IS TO GET ALL DOLE SCUM BACK TO WORK.
Management Rating	DON'T KNOW I THINK THEY'RE AUTONOMOUSLY RUN. THE GOVERNMENT SIGNS ALL THE CHECKS AND THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. THEY LIKE THROWING MONEY AWAY BECAUSE THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK, THEN WHEN THEY GET KICKED OUT, SOME OTHER BASTARDS CAN WASTE IT.
Worker Rating	IT'S EVERY TWAT WITH A DEGREE WHO LOVES THEMSELVES. MUST BE ABLE TO CONFUSE DOLE SCUM BY TALKING SHIT.
Graft Rating	NO GRAFT INVOLVED UNLESS SOME DOLE SCUM HITS CRITICAL MASS
Job Satisfaction	MUST ENDEAVOR TO PERSEVERE WITH DOLE SCUM.
Wages/Mulia	UNAVAILABLE
Rating	10 total shit?

Company	kiffy's extreme hardware store for the blind and short sighted
Description	maintaining many of our fine stock, mopping mankey as fuck floors at the end of every god-forsaken day. dealing with our blind as a fucking bat customers who we usually sell a dead pigeon to anyway.
Management Rating	something about the management here makes me feel like taking every hair off my body and ramm it all down their troat, but generally a good bunch
Worker Rating	well.. dosey ass fucking bastards who sit on their arse all day and mock the blind, what more is there to say.. we love bagels and donuts
Graft Rating	not too much grafting here, except when we get helga the 89 year old horny granny who likes to pop round every week or so.. you will know what i mean when your week comes
Job Satisfaction	if you discriminate against the blind, old or short sighted, u will have a great fucking time here. if not.. fuck off
Wages/Mulia	Ł5.50 an hour.. dependin on duties, extra Ł1 an hour if you are mean to the gingers
Rating	off the rictor scale 9.205

Name	Gaswank
Company	Electron
Description	Ex family run company taken over by Noddy Holders halfwit brother - ywas no the score! spray parts for jag & Land rover gas guzzerling motors.
Management Rating	sorry there shit! I hate Myself for this because the old man gave me an excellent reference. I'm a cunt.If I was aboss i'd be the biggest tosser on the planet. They did get a load a money of HEP for taking me though. Then shafted me the wrong one, when I went on holiday by not paying me any holiday pay
Worker Rating	pissheads, potheads and deadheads.You're better of on the dole than working in an industry thats killin the planet.
Graft Rating	hard work for minimum wage. Muppet work for the muppet army.
Job Satisfaction	zero
Wages/Mulia	shafted by Uk government
Rating	10 total shit?

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