Emperor Palatine's problem page

Does anyone remember when a (in-no-way-related to 'the Bourgeois') broadsheet ran a problem page with Anne Widdecombe as agony aunt? Did that ever seem too harsh a remedy for vulnerable readers? Here at the B2, we have a rather more softly-softly approach to people's life crises. The emperor is in...

"and another thing that
really ticks me off..."

Dear Emperor,

I have been happily married to my husband for the last forty years. However recently he seems distant and withdrawn. Our sex life is virtually non-existent. The other week I found a stash of pornography in his sock drawer. I confronted him about it, but he just said it was normal for men. Please help,

Mrs W., Kashyyk

Dear Mrs. W.,

You were quite right to confront your husband. You must feel the anger and hate flow through you. Perhaps next time you should try lightening attacking him. It is the only way, I find, to deal with people who disagree with you. On the other hand, I can also see your husband’s point of view. It is a long time since I have felt any sexual urges, since my body was consumed by the evil power that courses through my temporal and spiritual self. However, it is only right that he gives way to lust and self abasement. These are the strong things in the force. Love? It is only a weak emotion that leaves us vulnerable, trembling fools in the vast reaches of the universe. Pah! I remember one time, I fried (edited for reasons of space.)

Dear Emperor,

A good friend of mine has very bad body odour. She doesn’t seem to notice herself, but I have heard other people commenting on it in a hurtful way. I have tried giving subtle hints, like giving her presents of deoderant, but she doesn’t seem to get it. Please help!,

Green Day fan, Tatooine

Dear Green Day fan,

Perhaps you should give her more subtle hints. Like ‘Put on some deoderant you smelly cow.’ Then the anger and fear will fill her and she will strike you down where you stand. Then, and only then, she will understand the true nature of the dark side. On the other hand, I don’t like BO either. I hear Dove is quite good.