Diana's Dead

Princess Di really dead this time, shock!

Princess Diana of England, the simple young woman who, since her farcical excursion into adulthood, had conquered the heart of every little girl, the fashion sense of every woman, and the throbbing genitalia of every man on the planet, has been killed again in a car crash in a Paris subway.

As the pathetic travesty of her life ebbed away, ex-Prime Minister of Great Britain and future General Secretary of the United Nations, Lord Tony Blair, speaking from his apartment in the American Embassy, said in the sort of vacuous statement that has become his trademark,

ďThe people of England are today losing a person, even as I speak, who can only be described as a goddess of modern times, a woman, nay, a veritable deity, who has inspired us all and enthralled us in the tabloids with a string of boyfriends, of all races, creeds and colours, with poignant telephone transcripts, and that endearing, sad, puppy dog, hurt (smitten on the muzzle with a stinging rod presumably, eh? Ed) face that would have launched many, many thousands of ships had the ship-building industry of old been allowed to continue throughout the reign of terror that eventually came to be known as the Thatcher government, indeed, and if indeed I say so myself, it is only through the redoubtable efforts of the noble and esteemed profession of law, as practiced by me and my wife Cherie, among others who must not be forgotten, and through, it must be said, the cooperation of a certain redoubtable shopkeeper visitor to our shores, that we have been permitted to embrace once more the glory and, may I venture to suggest, the majesty, of the way she, in her timeless beauty, met her untimely and tragic demise in conjunction with assorted parts of a vehicle, which became part of her very being in the eyes of the public, and further, to have this life-changing spectacle presented to us daily in media as varied as television chat shows, news, and current affairs programmes, a similar spread of programming on radio, and news and features items in newspapers and magazines, and all it has cost this once great nation, to date at least, is just six million pounds, a comparative pittance that would only have been spent otherwise on some trivial waste in the Ďblack holeí of public support for uneducated people who frankly donít deserve the attentions of superior intellects and who probably have not even heard of Leonard Coren, I think, would somebody mind just tilting the autocue a little to the right so itís out of the sun? Ö thank you, itís not easy being a statesman, you know, er .. Cohen or other critically influential modern political thinkers that are the mainstay of economic strategy and planning that helps to keep the United States, er Kingdom one step ahead of the very core of the twenty-first century structural objectives for the Middle East roadmap to power for President Dinner Jacket of Iranís monstrous plans for world domination that must end in control of er, nothing, what? I didnít say anything. No more questions, thank you.Ē

At this point, and looking continually from side to side, a smiling but apparently nervous Sir Tony left the microphone and was efficiently ushered to a waiting stretched limousine with darkened windows, followed by a lithe, tanned, short-skirted, genuflecting prostitute clutching a tub of wet-wipes. As the vehicle sped away through the crowds, one was reminded of chickens scattering in a Texan cowboy film. Meanwhile in the Great Imperial Hall, as a recording of the royal death rattle was relayed around the room to the strains of Mozart, a sob was heard emanating from a corner, where a real relative of the princess sat; one who actually had some sort of relationship with the person that was Diana. Unfortunately, this last opportunity for a bit of human interest, I mean insight into the child that became the woman, was lost forever, as the elderly aunt was trampled and finally strangled in the tangle of cables that inevitably are associated with the recording of vital information in times of national misery such as this.

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