Lansley: Postmodern tactics

Andrew Lansley, the Secretary of State for Health was embroiled in controversy this weekend after he admitted to following a ‘post modern philosophy’ when formulating health policy, in a surprisingly candid edition of Desert Island Discs.

The show’s presenter, Kirsty Young, said she was surprised at Lansley’s answers when she questioned him about possible conflicts of interest. Before becoming health secretary, Mr. Lansley was employed by a PR company that represents clients like Pizza Hut and Pepsi Cola; since his appointment, he has held consultation on public health White Papers with McDonald’s, KFC and the people who make turkey twizzlers. Lansley has opposed regulation of the food and alcohol industries.

In a audacious statement that has shocked commentators, in between record number 8 (Telstar), and record number 9 (Devil Woman), Lansley told Young that rather than indicating a conflict of interest, this move was part of a deliberate post modern tactic. ‘I’ve actually found it to be a very useful strategy’, Lansley explained. ‘When people read headlines like ‘McDonalds to advise on health bill’, it is very difficult to mount any serious opposition. In a very real way, by inventing such transparently evil and corrupt policies, I have managed to transcend parody. I’m going to keep on tryin til I reach the higher ground. Record number 10 please.’

A spokesperson for The Nesthole today gave grudging respect for Lansley’s approach. ‘Lansley is partially correct in what he says’, a goblin said. ‘The comments on newspaper articles like ‘isn’t that like getting Myra Hindley to regulate nurseries?/Hitler to regulate religious toleration?’, may have a certain truth, but they’re not going to bring down the government. In this respect, Lansley can be said to have had considerable success in transcending parody, as he puts it.’ What possible answers to Andrew Lansley remain? ‘Lansley may have managed to defy parody’, continued the goblin, ‘but he still looks like a pierced scrotum sprayed with fake bake and shoved into a suit. Cheap, but true.’