Music 'n' stuff


One of the most pressing questions that today’s leaders face from journalists is ‘What’s on your ipod playlist?’ The hapless PR team of the balding rightwing coot then have the job of selecting the most outrageously trendy music they think the public could possibly swallow. Happily, the Nesthole has, at great personal risk, committed an act of extraordinary rendition on several prominent people’s ipods to bring you THE TRUTH.

liEpod 1: Gordon Brown

Pic of gordon brown on a vid ipod
  • A Moment Like This by Leona Lewis
  • U2
  • Coldplay
  • 60s classics
  • Motown
  • Rolling Stones
  • The Beatles
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Dionne Warwick
  • Bach
  • Beethoven
  • Mozart

Gordon Brown. He’s pretty cool right? He’s like, the Prime Minister yeah? One of the most successful post war Labour chancellors, right? But that’s not all. He’s so daddy cool, he wakes up to the Arctic Monkeys and asks his kidz who he should vote for on X-factor. He likes Leona Lewis. Jesus wept. Harold Wilson took Das Kapital on holiday with him. He didn’t pretend that he was quite into that Martha and the Vandellas, actually.

Also, this is the least controversial music selection imaginable. ‘Were you a Beatles or a Stones man, Mr. Brown?’ ‘No problem, I like both!’ Brilliant. Even the slight nod to the fact he’s not a drugged lobotomised nappy wearing dummy that’s just wheeled out for PR occasions, i.e. the classical music section, is just totally blah. 'I really like that Moonlight Sonata. And that organ music they play in all those Hammer Horror films by Bach is pretty good.'

LiE-pod rating: 9. But I can imagine Gordon dancing like a robot in 1984 or whatever it is the little South Yorkshire dicksplats wrote. Bad-a-bing bad-a-binGO!

Real list:

  • The Proclaimers: I’m gonna be (500 miles)
  • Deacon Blue: Wages day
  • Del Amitri: Don’t come home too soon
  • The Supernaturals: Day before yesterday’s man
  • Teenage Fanclub: can’t remember anything these gonks did
  • Travis: blaahhhhh

That’s all the crap Scottish bands I can think of.

liEpod 2: Barack Obama

obama face on a vid ipod
  • Bruce Springsteen
  • Bob Dylan
  • Howling Wolf
  • Stevie Wonder
  • John Coltrane
  • Sheryl Crow
  • Jay-Z

Oh my godz. This man is so cool. He’s the first black president of the United States of America. Everyone loves him. Even the Nesthole likes him a little bit. How could Barack Obama be any cooler than he already is? Why, only if he says he listens to Jay-Z on his fricking ipod. No, no, no. Just because you’re black doesn’t mean you’re from the ghetto. And, like Brown, he claims it’s his kidz what provide the vital link between old dad and yoot culture. But he worries a bit because hip hop is like well misogynist even though he really admires Ludacris for being a great businessman. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Like his kids are allowed to listen to anything other than the Gettysburg address, but only after they’ve done their homework of course.

LiE pod rating: 6 All uber credible, half of them have supported his campaign, but at least they’re a nice selection.

Real list:

  • UB40: There’s a rat in mi kitchen
  • Lionel Richie: Hello
  • Duran Duran: 911 is a joke
  • Al Green: Let’s stay together
  • The Police: Roxanne

LiEpod 3: David Cameron

david cameron on a video ipod

Everyone’s favourite soft Tory tells us: ‘Because I'm 39, there's The Smiths, Radiohead, Pulp, Blur - all that quite gloomy music.‘

Yes, that Parklife and that Country House. Makes me cry every time I hear them. Meanwhile, The Smiths, who wrote Work is a Four Letter Word and Margaret on the Guillotine about a certain one of Cameron’s predecessors, hardly seem like a likely choice for a hard working family man like David. A journalist once wrote that Morrissey looked like ‘an angel having an orgasm.’ Cameron looks like a fanny having an orgasm. Witness.

dave cameron's mouth juxtaposed with a fanny

you'll never see this in private eye

Anyway, he’s clearly lying, because he’s a massive cynical yuppie capitalist. Maybe he likes The Smiths because Morrissey made a shit load of money and now lives in a big mansion in LA next to Johnny Depp. And take those converse trainers off your fat feet as well! It’s impossible to think of any music Cameron might actually like because he gives away no clues as to his real personality. The music that Patrick Bateman listens to in American Psycho is probably a good guess.

Real list

  • Huey Lewis and the News: Hip to be square
  • INXS: Devil inside
  • Belinda Carlyle: I feel free
  • Genesis: Illegal Alien
  • Talking Heads: (nothing but) flowers

And a load of other gizz. Cameron probably likes to mutilate women with a staple gun as well.

In other news..

Desert Island Discs is another rich source of entertainment/lies.

Boris Johnson

boris johnson on a video ipod One of Boris Johnson’s all time faves apparently is Pressure Drop by The Clash. That’s perfect, because Boris is Mayor of London, and The Clash come from London, and did an album called London Calling and everything. But! Pressure Drop is also a cover of a reggae classic, by Toots and the Maytals. Who come from Jamaica. And London is one of the most vibrant multicultural cities ever. And Johnson is one of the most vibrant multicultural people EVER, as anyone who recalls his input over the Stephen Lawrence enquiry, or comments about piccaninnies and watermelon smiles will doubtless concur.

David Davis

daviddavis on a video ipod
  • Dire Straits: Brothers in arms
  • John Williams: Soundtrack to Schindler’s List

What better way to follow some bland anodyne guitar music than with some bland anodyne classical music. But wait. That’s no ordinary bland classical music. That’s the bland classical music that was the soundtrack to that film where all those people were killed because of the loss of their civil liberties, except that one brave man stood up to the system and saved some of them. See what he did there? No to ID!

I like the Lord of the Rings soundtrack because when I hear the featureless strings, I cannot help but think of the sadness of when the elves left Middle Earth.

...and finally

How come everyone likes U2? Brown’s ipod includes U2. Condoleeza Rice likes ‘anything by U2.’ Blair’s favourite song is ‘Where the streets have no name.’ Interesting.

bono and world leaders

Who did you say was supreme commander of earth again?

It's The fucking Edge