UK news

Man set on fire and then stabbed and then buried in a lake

A man was left critically ill in hospital last night after being set on fire then stabbed and then buried in a lake. Gerald Tortoise, 87, was just a harmless old pensioner what never did any harm to no one. CCTV footage suggests he dared to stand up to some hoodlums who were throwing chips around his shop. The grainy footage shows Gerald going over to remonstrate with one of the youths, who responds by pulling a cigarette lighter out of his pocket, and setting the hapless Tortoise on fire. They then carried him out of his shop, stabbed him and buried him under an icy lake.

Betty Oundle, 105, knew Gerald well. ‘He was such a nice gentleman. He always had the time to stop and pass the time of day with you and tell you how the country was going down the pan. I used to pop into his shop every year for the Christmas Radio Times.’ Gerald’s neighbour Albert Map, 48, said that he was not surprised brave Gerald had stood up to the hooligans. ‘Gerald was a binman during the war,’ Albert explained. ‘If anyone was going to be a have a go hero, it was Gerald.’

Police are looking for a gang of evil young people in connection with the incident. Meanwhile anyone living in the country is advised not to leave their house after dark and to keep voting for more prisons.

Is your neighbourhood going to the dogs?

Chris O’ Cabussy

old biddy

I certainly think so. Only the other night, my son was out walking his artificially intelligent robot dolls, when all of a sudden Kris Kristofferson sprang out of an alley in a lycra body stocking and mental make up and karate chopped him in the neck. Oh wait, that was ‘Blade Runner'.

Len Ford-Kristy

coffin dodger

In the last twenty years the community spirit on this estate has been totally lost. We used to have street parties. Now we have to be hidden by dark, or strange feral criminal gangs led by Isaac Hayes, who calls himself ‘The Duke’, hunt and possibly cannibalise us. Oh, hang on a minute, that was ‘Escape from New York'.