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Home Office officials were warning last night of a stark new threat that Britain faces. The warning comes as a result of devastating new intelligence that suggests Al’Qaida is in fact a lesser danger than a cell of rogue criminal masterminds who have declared war on western democracy and civilisation.
What makes these terrorists so dangerous? Professor Ian Hubris, Chair of Oxford University’s Terrorism Suite explains. ‘Other terrorist factions like al’Qaida possessed a clear and demonstrable ideology, i.e. religious fundamentalism, hatred of the west and western interference in eastern politics. What makes this new terrorist threat so hard for governments to combat is that it has no apparent motivation.’ Professor Hubris’ voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. The quiet Oxford study seemed to grow suddenly dark, even though outside it was a quiet summers evening. ‘It is almost as if these terrorists were motivated by nothing less than pure evil.’ Suddenly, a whizzing sound came through the open window, and Professor Hubris slumped over onto his blotting pad. A deadly poison dart protruded from his neck. I pulled it out and noted the sticky black substance coating the tip-I knew it to be curare from my time in India. I ran to the window, but not a soul was to be seen.
What is known about the new terror cell? The Home Office has released a dossier, produced in collaboration by the CIA and other civilising intelligence services. The group apparently refer to themselves as Obnoxious People and Evil Cads; or OPEC for short. Below are pictures of known terror suspects belonging to the new terror cell.
The bogeymen from left to right:
Sauron. Sauron was chased out of his stronghold by the White council in the second age of middle earth. However, his power is rumoured to be waxing once again, as he languishes somewhere in a cave in Afghanistan. Reports come from the East that he is training up crack teams of orcs in special hate camps. (The picture above is taken at one of these camps.) A master of disguise, Sauron likes to disguise his imposing 8 foot horned physique with a variety of unlikely beards and a turban.
The Wicked Witch of the West. One of the most disturbing aspects of the new terrorist group has been the brainwashing of innocent women to carry out brutal terrorist acts. The wicked witch of the west is rumoured to use her figure concealing black robes to cunningly transport explosive devices through checkpoints, onto buses etc. She also has a shoe fetish, apparently.
Oddjob. After years of working as a cleaner for £3.50 an hour in the corridors of MI5, Oddjob was filled with bitterness and defected to North Korea. Before he left MI5 he stole several files of utmost importance. Although North Korea is ruled by an evil tyrant like Saddam Hussein, the sensitivity of the files Oddjob stole means the US are helpless to check North Korean aggression. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact North Korea have nukes.
The childcatcher. The childcatcher is the head of an international paedophile ring operating out of Algeria. Although the organisation was badly hit by a covert counter-op led by Julie Andrews, it remains strong throughout North Africa. The childcatcher is working in conjunction with Sauron by plotting to kidnap the youngest generation of the God-fearing democratic west, thus rendering their armed forces useless in years to come. He plans to do this by exploiting western youth's achilles heel, a compulsive love of sweeties.
Fungus the bogeyman. Fungus is perhaps the weakest link in the chain. Former friends of Fungus say he has been pressured into joining the ruthless group. Fungus is primarily motivated by feeling gloomy and liking slime.
Skeletor. Skeletor is one of the group's most ruthless leaders. In the 80's Skeletor was supported by the CIA, who helped to install him as rightful leader of Skull Castle in a brutal coup, overthrowing the liberal King Randor and crushing other Masters of the Universe like Man-of-the-people. Since then Skeletor has tried to assert Skull castle's independence and started selling oil to Sauron. In 2006, the US have tried to impose sanctions on Skeletor, citing atrocities commited in Snake Mountain as moral justification for this.
The govnerment intends to fight the new War on Terror on two fronts. Firstly, the international front. The government proposes a program of aggressive intelligence and/or bombing campaigns agaisnt Mordor and Angmar, collaborating closely with the Kingdom of Gondor, with which we have an ancient alliance. Secondly, the threat to our domestic cohesion must be challenged. Commentators have highlighted the ghettoisation and fragmentation of our community. A raft of measures to combat this will be introduced including: