Fatman's guide to understanding wine origins
The Expert
Wine colour
Red wine can only be made from black grapes. The colour comes from the skin, if the skins are removed the wine will be white. Green grapes produce white wine only. Rose wine is made by leaving the skins in for a short period or by the blending of red and white.Type
Sweet, medium and dry refers to taste in relation to sugar content left after fermentation. Dry being unsweetened.Classification
| Table wine | With meal |
| Liqueurs | After meal Port |
| Desert wine | With sweet or pudding |
| Mead | Anytime, before, during and after |
| Champagne | Traditional celebration drink |
| Aperitif | Before meal-Sherry |
Fortification
Increase alcohol content by spirit volume.International variety of grape
Wines originate by reputation from France, Germany and Italy. French wines are associated with the province of Bordeaux and burgundy.Red wine
Cabernet sauvignon a variety of grape with roots in Bordeaux, is also an international variety grown in California, chile, Bulgaria and Australia. Cabernet sauvignon is not a place in France, it’s a grape variant.White wine
Chardonnay a variety of grape with roots in burgundy is predominately white but can be rose or pink by blending. It is internationally grown worldwide.Table of red/white classification
| Type | Colour | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Cabernet sauvignon | Red | Full bodied blackcurrant |
| Merlot | Red | Fruity |
| Pinot Noir | Red or white | Soft fruity |
| Syrah | Red | Fruity blackberry |
| Sauvignon blanc | White | Acidic green vegetal |
| Riesling | White | Peachy |
| Muscat | White | Sparkling grapey |
| Gewurztraminer | White | Spicy exotic fruity |
| Semillon | White | Sweet |
| Chardonnay | White | Buttery |
Fatman’s
Wine colour
Reddish with what can only be described as bits of slug scum floating down the side.
Whitish with bits of the same slug scum creeping down the side and what looks like decaying frogspawn floating of the bottom.
Rose wine is made by blending reddish with whitish gives shittyish.
Type
Sweet, medium and dry. Sweet caused by unfermented sugar and not reading instructions properly.
Classification by type
| Type | Colour | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Night of the Demon | red | Bits of bodies blackcurrant damson |
| Hallam University | red | piss |
| Black cherry | red | soft fruity/nutty |
| Red witch | Red | Fruity blackberry |
| Pineapple | White | Acidic unknown |
| Elderberry | Red | Slimy |
| Scarecrow | Red | Like kind of scary |
| Bilberry | Red | Unknown |
| Halloween Special | Red | Mysterious |
| Chardonnay | White | out of stock drank |
FATMANS RECIPE
- 5LB OF DAMSONS
- 1 LITRE OF RED GRAPE JUICE
- 2 GALLONS OF WATER
- 1 TEASPOON OF YEAST NUTRIENT
- 1 SACHET OF YEAST
- 3 LEMONS
- ½ TEASPOON OF PECTIN ADDITIVE
STAGE 1.
FIRST STAGE JUST TO RELEASE PECTINS TO STOP WINE GELLING UP ADD 1 GALLON OF BOILING WATER TO 5LB OF DAMSONS – COOL TO 70 C THEN ADD PECTIN LEAVE FOR 48 HOURS.
STAGE 2.
SECOND STAGE FERMENTATION OF MUST
ADD 1 GALLON OF BOILING WATER – COOL TO 70 C THEN ADD LEMONS, YEAST NUTRIENT, YEAST, TEA AND GRAPE JUICE < RECIPE NEEDED 6LB S OF DAMSONS ADD GRAPE JUICE TO COMPENSATE >.
ADD 500ML OF BLACKCURRENT CONCENTRATE TO GIVE BODY.
*********ABOVE CAUSED ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS*********
LEAVE FOR 4-5 DAYS TO FERMENT.
TRANSFER TO DEMIJOHN’S FOR SECONDARY FERMENTATION THIS SHOULD MAKE 2 GALLONS EASY
APPEARANCE
DARK REDDISH WITH ORRIBLE FLOATIES
TASTE
RESULTING WINE TASTED LIKE BLACKCURRENT CORDIAL –SHITE AND POISONED ANYONE WHO DRANK IT!
COSTS
- DAMSONS FREE
- GRAPE JUICE 80 PENCE
- LEMONS 45 PENCE
- BLACKCURRENT JUICE 60 PENCE
- YEAST 80 PENCE
- YEAST NUTRIENT 20 PENCE
TOTAL £2.85 = 23 PENCE A BOTTLE @ 12 BOTTLES
FATMANS PINEAPPLE WINE RECIPE
- 2lbs OF PINEAPPLE TINNED/FRESH
- 2 LITRES OF PINEAPPLE JUICE
- 2 LITRES OF WATER
- 1 TEASPOON OF YEAST NUTRIENT
- 1 SACHET OF YEAST
- 3 LEMONS ½ TEASPOON OF PECTIN ADDITIVE
TOP UP WITH GRAPEFRIUT JUICE DURING FERMENTATION ½ LITRE TO MAKE 1 GALLON
APPEARANCE
**********TURNED OUT LIKE MURCKY PISS WITH JIZZ FLOATING IN IT******************************** *****
TASTE
***********WHAT WINE TASTED LIKE WE WILL NEVER KNOW, COS NO ONE WOULD DRINK IT!***************
COSTS
- SUGAR 0 .85
- PINEAPPLE JUICE 1. 60 PENCE
- LEMONS 0.45 PENCE
- PINEAPPLE TINNED 1.00 PENCE
- YEAST 80 PENCE
- YEAST NUTRIENT 20 PENCE
TOTAL £4.90 = 81p A BOTTLE @ 6 BOTTLES
IF YOU WOULD LIKE A FREE BOTTLE (RECPIENT PAYS P&P =£5) E-MAIL ME ON fatmanswine@hotmail.com AND I’LL SEND YOU A SMASHED BOTTLE IN SOAKING BROWN PAPER STINKING OF PISS OR ALTERNATETIVELY JUST GET AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE YOURSELF AND FILL IT UP WITH PISS, DON’T FORGET THE TUG WAX.
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