Ian Fleming's James Bond in
(Shot of buildings in a desert. Some sinister towelhead music is played. We see James Bond covertly crawl towards the buildings. He expertly chops a shifty looking Arab guard on the back of the neck, and sneaks through the door.
We see Bond negotiate his way through a maze of corridors inside the building, skilfully avoiding various guards and soldiers. This is clearly some kind of military complex. As Bond turns a corner, a shadowy figure steps out to meet him)
Figure: Glad you made it here in one piece Bond.
James Bond: 006!
006: Hello 007. Now listen. The situation here is jolly dicey. I’ve just disconnected the security system and bla bla bla bla.
Bond: Righto 006. That all seems very clear. So when’s the bit where you get captured and I have to leave you behind for the good of the mission.
(A guard bursts in on them)
Snarling Arab: Right now English scum!
(He points a gun at 006’s head)
006: Go on James! Leave me behind! I’m finished anyway! Complete the mission- for the honour of the school!
(Bond clicks his heels and salutes. Then using the force of his magnetised Masonic tie pin on a metal girder in the ceiling, Bond flies out of reach. We see the guard curse and belt 006 over the head with the butt of his rifle. Bond is running along a corridor to some room with lots of ‘Caution’ type signs. He grabs an uzi from some unsuspecting guard and heroically massacres a load of unsuspecting soldiers. Bond pulls something from his pocket- a tampon!)
Bond: Curse this equal opportunities employment initiative in the secret service!
(He pushes home the applicator and starts running. Obviously Bond has located some critical reactor type thing because a massive chain of explosions begins behind him. Cut to intro.)
(Intro scene for ‘Fishyfinger’. Lots of silhouettes of fit women licking their fingers suggestively. There is a theme of one woman, wearing some kind of nautical dress, with sailors cap etc.
‘Fishyfinger… such a tease.. lures you in with promises of frozen peas’
Ten Years Later.
(Bond is in bed with a woman. His mobile rings. It plays ‘I’m a believer.’)
Bond: Boom boom boom-OY! Hello M.
M: Bond, I need you to come to the office right now.
Bond: I’m a bit.. tied up right now.
Woman: Ooh, you are not, you liar. That costs five quid extra.
M: This can’t wait Bond. I need you to come to the office right away.
Bond: Ok then M. (Turns off mobile and gets dressed. He turns to the woman) Something’s come up… and its not THAT. (He winks and exits)
Scene 3: M’s Office
M: James, good to see you.
Bond: You too M. Well, what is it? It must be urgent.
M: It is Bond. For this operation, you’ll be working closely with the Americans. Bond, I want you to meet the head of American Intelligence… ‘W’…
Dubya: (for it is he) Howdy Mr. Bond.
Bond: Er.. Hello..(takes M aside) This is alright is it M? Is this fellow really supervising American intelligence?
M: Steady Bond. Orders have come from very high up that we’re going to be playing second fiddle to the Yanks on this one.
Bond: But I’m supposed to be making the British Empire look flash. How am I supposed to do that if I’m taking orders from the Americans?
M: Careful Bond. The last agent who stepped out of line ended up with a bag on his head somewhere in Cuba. Now I want you to behave yourself Bond. If you start compromising this mission, I’ll stick you straight onto a listening post at GCHQ like a normal spy.
Bond: Ok M, but I don’t like it. (Turning to Dubya) What’s the mission then, sir?
Dubya: Yippee…Seems as how a bunch of no good gringos are running some kind of racket in Iraq, yes sirree. (Swings lasso) I want you to go and infiltrate their asses and round them steers up Bond. M says you’re the best they’ve got citizen Bond.
M: James, go to Iraq, and see if you can find out anything. We believe that there is some major terrorist activity going on there.
Bond: Right you are sir.
Dubya: In our country Mr. Bond, we have a mystical saying. I remember Guru Reagan telling it to me. ‘You only die twice, Dubya. Once when you die. And once when your brain dies.’ Remember that Bond.
M: Good luck Bond! The future of the West depends on you. And remember, if you come up with enough dirt on these shifty foreigners, we might be able to unleash Shock and Awe on Birmingham!
Scene 4: The Stakeout
Voiceover: So far Bond’s search had been fruitless. Undercover in Baghdad, Bond heard rumours of gigantic weapons, capable on destroying huge cities in an instant, but these rumours only led him to North Korea, or America. Bond also heard of sinister terrorist activities, respectable professionals who had ‘disappeared’ then reappeared with orange bags on their heads in the Caribbean. But somehow Bond sensed that these were not what he was looking for, but red herrings designed to throw him off the scent. As a final resort, Bond decided to follow up tales he had heard of a mysterious terrorist mastermind. So he found himself at a remote courtyard, lit by many torches, where some sort of grotesque ritual was occurring.
Bond: It seems my tip off was right. Something is happening here. But what.. there are men and women, dressed up in bizarre costumes. There’s a woman, with a necklace of skulls, dancing around that great bonfire. I can hear music… it seems outlandish, and yet.. somehow familiar…its..
(Voice behind him): ‘Live and Let Die’ by ‘Wings.’
Bond: (Excitedly) yes- that’s it.. wait a minute…a Voodoo gathering in Iraq?!!!
(The person behind clonks him on the head. Bond blacks out.)
Scene 5: Mysterious HQ
(Bond comes to. He has been sitting slumped in a chair, which he is securely tied to. The room is most unusual, its four sides are fish tanks, with all sorts of tropical fish and, of course, sharks. It looks a bit like Sea World. At the far end of the room is a silhouetted figure. It is wearing some kind of nautical hat and jacket. Bond groans, and the figure walks over.)
Figure: Meester Bont?
Figure: Eet is so hot in here is it not Meester Bont? I will make us bose ‘ow you say more comfortable.
(She takes off jacket and hat to reveal a pouting Eastern European blonde. Underneath her jacket, she is wearing er..underwear.. which is kind of inflatable, and has fish swimming inside it. (That wasn’t my idea))
Bond: Golly! Who are you?
Figure: (Giggles) Oh Jams, you are so seely, just like leetle schoolboy. I am Miss Fishy-Faj, but zat ees not eemportant to us.
Bond: Won’t you share your dastardly plan, Miss- er- Faj?
Miss Fishy-Faj: But of course Jams! I am workink on same operation as you Jams! Operation Feeshfinker! All I have to is pretend to be up to somesink very bad in Baghdad. (giggles manically) Zat is why I contrived all zat voodoo stuff for you to see!
Bond: But why have I been sent out here?
Miss Fishy-Faj: I sink ‘W’ is wanting for respectable British agent to confirm that there is bad things going on in Iraq. You have to go back and tell W how naughty I’ve been being.. Then he is sentink in bombers. There ees no real meesion Jams. (Gently) Zere never was.
Bond: (Devastated) I’m redundant. Where’s the opportunity to show off my masculine prowess? My gadgets? (Breaks down sobbing) I’m too depressed to even try and make a pun.
Miss Fishy Faj: Zere Zere Jams. Would you like me to suck your cock now?
Scene 6: The House of Commons
Blair: Gentlemen and Ladies of the house, I have conclusive evidence in favour of war on Iraq. It is contained in this dossier, which our intelligence services have just compiled: Miss Fishy Faj and the Voodoo Weapons of Mass Destruction. Let God and history be the judge of my actions. Thank you.