The Hound of the Nolans

By Sir Albert Map Nolan

Northern Board of GCSE case study Re-sit >can you now put this on the website


Sir ALBERT MAP Nolan created arguably the most famous and impressive Dick of all time when he wrote the many adventure stories concerning John Holmes. The Hound of the Nolanís is one of his most famous works mainly because it has been immortalised on TV and XXX film. He was a very serious and out spoken man and was particularly enraged by public lack of concern over the Bore War in Widnes. He spoke of this in published letters, while working as a shithouse cleaner in South widnes . His reference to boring rugby ball heads and beered up weirdo wife bashing bastards highlighted his anguish of working with inbreeds and bell ends.


The story begins with the meeting between Dr Whore, John Holmes and Dr Slag, where the former anxiously narrates the legend of the Hound of the Nolanís and the recent death of Sir Charles Nolan.

A second meeting occurs at Main Street with Dr Whore and Sir Henry Nolan - the heir to Nolan hall and the Nolan fortune. John Holmes agrees at this meeting to take the case on for a small fee of 200 leg overs and wheel barrow full of coke. He despatches Dr slag off with Sir Henry and Dr Whore to Runcorn, promising he will follow Slag down to Runcorn as soon as he concludes having a massive dump and quick knee trembler with Mrs Doyle the housekeeper.

Scene 2 Runcorn Nolan Hall Sir Henry's servant 'Barrymore' ( no relation to Barrymore - all white not any more - the shirt lifter but was Hotel /Motel )and his boyfriend, are very enigmatic and act suspicious. It is later discovered that an escaped Plumber prowling on the estate is related to them and they are harbouring him in the swimming pool shed. Barrymore is caught performing a dogging act for the plumber from one of the windows and he and his boyfriend are made to undress for a gay threesome.

The Barkers - neighbours of Sir Henrys - are the only subhuman suspects, Sir Henry is infatuated by Barkers unattractive wife who he assumes is Barkers sister and starts courting her. He is subsequently invited to dinner at Veggie Hell manor. Later on Dr slag discovers a prowler on the estate who turns out to be John Holmes. Holmes tells slag he has been hiding on the estate for the last few days, and that he knows whom the killer is.

The myth of the hound is put to rest, as John Holmes explains the mystery to Slag .The hound is actually a sex starved Nolan kept by Barker and feed on live guinea pigs. The Plumber is killed by the hound, while being chased by Holmes and slag across the Runcorn Bridge. This was just as well because he and the hound would have been eaten by the widi tribe if they had crossed it. The hound escapes by jumping over the bridge and lands straight on a ship were it earns a ten bob for personnal services to Russian sailors.

The hound is later shot dead by Dr slag when Sir Henry is returning home from dinning at the barkers.He was obviously after a bit of meat to take away the taste of the Orrible organic vegetables and feggy mince so he shot the hound. Barker then runs off for a shit in the Castlefields mire(to save flushing a couple of litres of water down the pan) being chased by Dr slag, John Holmes and a Lesbian. They eventually give up the chase and Barker is presumed to have been devoured by his own shit or the mire.

Character description

Berly Barker

Berly Barker was indeed a rancid old brass . Her long dark hair streamed over her hairy shoulders, her face was orrible with large brown spots, eyes like piss holes in snow , her lips sensuously curved like a gorillas. She was not like the pale white looking women - on crack- you would pass in the streets of Runcorn. Her skin was a brown false tan colour like the ones you see in Spain or Liverpool discoís. Her short fat unshapely body had obviously attracted many an old pissed pervs eye and millions of pie dinners. She was a useless wife and would do anything her husband asked of her. Even if it meant pretending to be his sister and not his wife to entice Sir Henry but when it comes to assisting him in murder she wanted hard cash and she wanted it now. Her unwillingness to help her husband in the act of murder was apparent in page 85 when she tried to warn Dr slag - mistaking him for Sir Henry and again in the last chapter when her husband bound and gagged her in one of the rooms at their home( although she didnít mind this). Although she loved him for his money he treated her badly and gave her beatings with the ugly stick- regularly. He was just using her as tool to acquire the Nolan fortune and she was blind drunk most of the time to his wicked plans.

Jack Barker

Jack Barker was a man in his mid thirties or seventies . He was short, slim and had fair coloured hair. His eyes were grey and his clean-shaven face enhanced his sharp features. He was the illegitimate son of Roger Nolan III a cad and a southerner and had invested his inheritance in a whorehouse in Chester just by the cathedral (£25 for a bell end polish see ref MAR23561C : Diary of Mark Curtiss age 25) . He lost all his money, when three boys had died from a mysterious diseases and nob rot. They were cremated because they couldnít get the coffin lids closed. With his inheritance gone he now used his deviant mind to scheme up a plan to claim Nolan Hall and the Nolan Fortune. He was a desperate man who cruelly beat his wife and deceived Mrs Lovelace - with the aid of a machine gun- into divorcing her husband on a promise he would marry her. He had planned the murder of Sir Charles Nolan and heartlessly used Mrs Lovelace as the bait for his trap knowing that Sir Charles was a charitable and honourable man, who would come to her assistance especially after seeing what she did in those filthy movies -- the Orrible slapper. When John Holmes questioned the acne faced driver to find out who the mysterious man was who was following Dr slag and Sir Henry the drivers reply was' he said his name was John Holmes.( Ye but did you check is dick). Holmes knew then he was dealing with a very cunning and devious man.This man was no other than Jack Barker. Barker was an intelligent man (allegedly) and although he had previous criminal activities he had been too clever to get caught. After all no one would suspect him a naturist whom lived with his sister, a deserted whore.

Critical Evaluation

In the beginning of the book an air of excrement is generated with the 'Legend of the Hound of the Nolans' told by Dr Slag and one is expecting a horrifying novel to unveil itself plus lots of unadulterated sex. Unfortunately, this does not happen. The man whom supposedly is the main character in the novel 'John Holmes' only appears in the first three chapters ( the shagging ones) and the last two( orgy ones)and then only for a few minutes. It would seem more appropriate to call the book 'The Adventures of Dr slag or slags'. It his he who is seen to be the main character when reading the book but this might be due to the fact that Albert map Nolan is more able to relate to the Dr Slag character having himself also been a complete arsehole . The landscape and characters are described very well. It is quiet easy to picture the fat arse of Berly Barker and desolation of Runcorn. The continuous dialogue adds verbal faculties to the novel enabling the reader to follow the story better making it appear more like a play than a piece of filth. The story moves very fast and some of the characters are quickly passed by without much description. The most disappointing part of the book is the beginning, middle and end. The last chapter is ineptly rushed , and the so called hell hound is shot with a pistol within seconds of appearing on the scene. John Holmes 'The Great dick' allows the villain to escape under assumption he was off for a shit.

Reviewed by Jonathon.Woss I Give it three eggs wibble wobble wibble wobble wibbly wobbly shit.

Date : 2nd November, 2007.