Master Julian

List of Characters

Master Julian: The hero of our play, a lowly ice cream miner

Rosita: Master Julian's mother, a wicked ice cream overseer

and some more WOMEN


VoiceOver: The year is Twenty-oh-three. The world has changed. The once free race of men now languishes under the incompetent rule of women…Only one man dares to stand up and fight for his right for a hot bath.

Cut to Post Industrial Wasteland.


Scene 1: Granelli's

(The sign ‘Sweetshop’ has been crudely changed to ‘Sweatshop’ ho ho. Women are everywhere, creating chaos.)


Rosita: I wonder where Master Julian is?

Woman 1: Lets not switch the hot water on.

Rosita: (evilly) Ha! Ha! Ha! That’ll make him cross!

The women walk off, painting their nails and giggling.

Scene 2: The Ice Cream Mine

(Master Julian is hard at work at the ice cream face, chipping away blocks of ice cream to be loaded into a Granelli’s van. Women overseers watch him.)

Master Julian: (Gasping) 200 tons today. Surely that’s enough ice cream for now?

Overseer: No! Faster! Faster!

Voice Over: In 2003, the world is ruled to accommodate the whims of feckless women. Oil no longer creates wars. Ice cream has become a key commodity, vital in women’s diplomacy.

Woman Diplomat 1: You stupid bitch!

Woman Diplomat 2: Butler.. bring in the ice cream.

Woman Diplomat 1: mmm… I’m sorry.. I’m on my period and I guess I just overreacted.

Woman Diplomat 2: Aren’t men stupid!

(They laugh and ‘bond.’)

Russian Woman: But what were your spy planes doing over our territory?

Woman President of USA: How do you explain your missiles 60 miles away from America?

British Woman: If I may respectfully suggest.. some ice cream?

Pres: mmm.. to hell with the arms race.

Russian Pres: mmm.. I’ve been dying for a Big Mac for years

Cut to millions cheering.

Voice Over: Millions of men like Master Julian are under the oppressors’ manicured thumb, forced to work in foundation refineries, talc mines and tampon forests.

(Cut to Master Julians slaving)

Voice Over: Women exercise a ruthless grip over men. No longer is the male permitted the free thought that once brought joy and amusement to Planet Earth.

Chyke: Errrr… nice rack

(Thought Police come and drag him away screaming.)

Scene 3 (Back at the mine)

Overseer: Ok Master Julian. You can go now.

Master Julian:(Relieved) Oh, thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow at 2.

Overseer: (Evil Laugh) I’m afraid not Master Julian. Tomorrow you have to start work at 1!

Master Julian: (Frightened) Oh no, please! Have mercy.. only 15 hours in bed?

Overseer: (Cackles) That’s right! And from now on, the Women’s Commissarat have decreed that your quota of hot cooked meals per day be limited to 6!!

(Master Julian looks devastated and shuffles out.)

Scene 4- Granelli’s

Master Julian: Well, mother, its been a hard day at t’pit. Those heartless women want to grind me down.

Rosita: (smirking) Those women can be so cruel. I expect you’d like your HOT BATH now wouldn’t you dear. That’ll make you feel better.

(The Granelli’s women fall about laughing)

Scene 5 THE BATH

(In the centre of a darkened bathroom is a large bath. Sinister music plays. Enter Master Julian, looking naked and vulnerable. Master Julian is carrying a rubber duck. He puts it in the water, it instantly becomes encased in ice. Master Julian is frightened, then angry.)

Master Julian: How could she do this to me? My own mother.. betrayed me! That does it. I’m not standing for this any more. I’m leaving!