The Silence of the Lambs

A story nothing to do with serial killers but based on real events of- killer boredom.

Albert map was lounging on the old settee at Nolan Manor Hall Pondering over the massive bill he had just received from CSA plus the appending court appearance at the magistrates. His brain was rapidly crumbling after hours of trying to scam a way out of paying for eighty kids they claimed he’d spawned. Every mong in Liverpool and Runcorn had used the name of Albert Map as a pseudonym, for every one-night stand with the local slapper. Now the real Albert Map was going to pay the price for a generation of super mongs conceived from knee tremblers in back alleys and discos.

His first idea was to consider escaping to a foreign country but with no mulia in the bank because the CSA had hammered him for the last year as payback for sneaking of to that London to earn a few bob and no real skills, he had no chance of surviving in a far of land were everyone spoke shite. Just then the phone rang, is first instinct was to just let it ring because it would probably be someone cannibal wanting money or the plastic polygon factory demanding he come in on overtime and work until he drops of exhaustion.

Just as Miggs the manager as said “customer customer” if we require you in twenty–four seven to cover our customer needs, then in you’ll be. “You don’t understand the bigger picture and what happens the behind the scenes Map” so get your arse in or your P45 is in the post. Albert had heard these lines all his life, in every job he’d had, and he hated it.

He decided to take a the chance and answer it, luckily it was his sister Clarissa – the Map sisters whose sole purpose in life was to find and get impregnated by a man with loads of money, then sit on their arses for eternity moaning about how hard it is bringing up kids and cleaning up after a family of slobs.

She asked Albert if he wanted to go walking across the moors with her and her man “Bill”. Albert decided that a good walk in the countryside was just what he needed to clear is mind and he set off to Chester to meet up with them. At Chester they packed the car with the necessary provisions required for a day out walking and then started off for Yorkshire. The journey took about one and a half hours, Albert sat in the back, nose glued against the window and legs cramped up against the front seat viewing the changing scenery starting with Manchester’s factories and slums then on to the green pleasant valleys of Rosendale and ribble valley. Albert drifted into an uneasy sleep waking up some twenty minutes later with sweat dripping down his forehead and the vivid dream flashing back into his memory ending with the screaming of lambs.

At 12.20pm the car pulled up in the “pay and get ripped off” car park at Trawden. |The next ten minutes were spent booting up and arguing about who was going to carry the rug sacks. His sister spread sun tan lotion over her arms then offered Albert the cream saying ”It puts the lotion on its skin and then it puts the lotion back”. Finally they set off across the moors, it was a beautiful sunny day and the sky was a cloudless bright blue colour, perfect for walking. The meadow grass was a luscious green fragmented by yellow daisies and orange dandelions and death head moths floated on the air. The perfumed flowery smell and beauty of the moor land made Albert forget the troubles back home, his mind drifted off and he wondered what it would be like to live in the countryside in a small cottage, with his own garden full of his favourite kind of plants and trees. But Albert was a born loser and had only experience true happiness when he had been young with his old pal Arthur. A dream home is something earned by hard work or if you’re a women it’s something given to you as a settlement by an ex-husband just to get rid, without losing everything. Albert did do the lottery but the odds of winning were about the same as finding a decent honest women or his ex-wife bumping into Hannibal Lector-Starving.

Albert was walking slightly in front of others when suddenly he noticed four black legs kicking in the air at first he thought he was hallucinating because the legs looked like woolly spider legs – too many stellas last night he thought or a mushy flash back –but then as he got closer he saw it was a small black and white lamb upside down with its legs frantically pushing thin air to re-write itself. Albert ran into the brook to rescue it and lifted the poor thing up dripping wet, it was quite shaken up but once it was back upright and placed in the meadow opposite it trotted off as happy as can be, to its woolly mother. The dark side of Albert’s mind was wondering what the lamb’s liver would taste like with a nice bottle of chanti. Albert then smiled to himself and thought at least he’d done something good in a world of shite. The walkers continued up the hill to the ‘top of Fell Brook Ingle‘ and then headed south down towards Ogden res. The reservoir looked a bit low and ducks made low flying passes and then quacked off into the distance. While walking along the towpath Albert notice two more lambs trapped in the concrete corridor leading to the reservoir sluice. He jumped down into the corridor but the lambs scurried off in the opposite direction heading straight towards the waters edge. He managed to corner both lambs and push them up and over the concrete wall, into the grassy strip surrounding the res, from here they could escape through the gate into the farmer’s meadow and safety. Another rescue completed Albert return to his fellow walkers to carry on with their journey.

Albert turned to his brother in law and said “is that a buffalo Bill” no Albert “it’s cow” bill said. With daylight fading the walkers hurried the final section of the walk heading back to the car park, Albert stumbled, falling to the ground, luckily he wasn’t hurt and pushing himself back upright he said to bill and clarissa “I wish I had a pair of them night vision goggles like they had in that film” but Albert couldn’t remember what the film was called. was it “silence of the lambs” said clarissa.