Winnie the Pooh: A Red Terror Story
Chapter 1: In which Edward Bear is interrogated by Christopher Robin.Bump! Bump! This is the sound of Christopher Robin coming down the stairs, dragging Edward Bear behind him.
“Now Winnie-the-Pooh,” sneered Christopher Robin. “Perhaps we can discuss the little matter of you being a class traitor?”
Pooh scratched his head. “But my name is Edward.”
“Nonsense,” replied Christopher Robin, the youngest ever head of the OGPU. “Your code name “the Pooh” is well known to us,” bumping Pooh (as we shall now call him) some more.
“Ow,” said Pooh.
“You are a bear of very little brain,” continued Christopher Robin remorselessly. “What is Operation Woozles, you bourgeois?”
“I don’t know, I swear,” gibbered Pooh helplessly. “I couldn’t manage to find Woozles, Wuzzles, or the Heffalump.”
“Wuzzles?” Christopher Robin asked. “Are they those grotesque 80’s cartoon figures which included bizarre animal hybrids such as Bumblelion and Butterbear? They came in a little pouch.
I always wanted one, but Daddy refused and bought me these crappy soft donkeys instead,” pouted Christopher Robin. By now Pooh was confused. “Christopher Robin is right,” he thought. “I am a bear of little brain.”
Christopher Robin lost interest. “Hmm,” he mused. “Very well, Pooh, you may go- for the moment.”
Chapter 2: In which we meet some of the comrades of the 100 acres commune.Pooh hurried away from the tree in which Christopher Robin inexplicably lived.
“I must find Rabbit or Wol,” he thought. “They are clever. They will be able to explain about Wuzzles. Then maybe Christopher Robin will not put me in the gulag.” Pooh reached Rabbit’s house.
“Hullo, Rabbit,” called Pooh. “Are you at home?”
“No,” called back a voice, which sounded like Rabbit’s.
Pooh was about to walk away, when he thought very hard. “Wait a moment,” he said. “If that is Rabbit’s voice, in Rabbit’s home, then Rabbit must be at home.”
Pooh crawled into Rabbits house, to find Rabbit sitting there.
“So you are at home, you smart-arse bastard,” growled Pooh, with justifiable irritation.“What are Wuzzles?” he asked.
Rabbit looked uncertain. “Its all very complicated for a bear of such little brain to understand. Shall I explain about dialectic materialism instead?”
“No thank you Rabbit,” replied Pooh politely. He hurried out, to find Wol’s house.
Chapter 3: In which Pooh makes a grisly discovery.Pooh reached Wol’s house. On the front door were two notices Pooh hadn’t seen before.
The first said “PLES Nok if anser is not rekwired.” The other, by a handsome new bell-pull, read “Ples ring if anser is required.”
Pooh puzzled over this, then pulled the bell-pull. To his surprise, it came away in his hand. Pooh looked at it more closely. It was Eeyore’s tail! What new atrocity had been committed in 100 acres commune?
Pooh decided to knock. Wol opened the door. “Oh hello Pooh,” said Wol. “I’m just compiling a list of traitors for Christopher Robin.” “What have you done to Eeyore?” asked Pooh.
“Eeyore? Who is Eeyore?” asked Wol innocently.
“Eeyore the donkey,” said Pooh exasperatedly.
Wol gave a nervous glance around then slammed the door. “Listen, bear of very little brain. Eeyore doesn’t exist. He never did exist. He has been consigned to the bargain soft toy bin of History,” Wol finished ostentatiously.
Pooh was horrified. He ran off to find Christopher Robin.
Chapter 4: In which we see Christopher Robin in his true sadistic colours.Pooh opened the “door” of Christopher Robin’s tree, marked Commissarat of Information. Christopher Robin was goosestepping. “Oh hello Pooh,” he said cheerily. “Have you come to confess?”
“What have you done to Eeyore?” demanded Pooh, holding up Eeyore’s tail. Christopher Robin quickly became angry. “So, you’re worried about Eeyore’s tail? Well, I’ll show you what we’ll do about that.” Picking up his hammer, sickle and nails, Christopher Robin hurried off in the direction of the Thistle Works, with Pooh worriedly following.
At the Thistle Works, Eeyore was pacing round grumbling. “Communist Revolution. Gaiety, song and dance.” He was pushing twigs round with his nose to make letters.
“Hello, Eeyore,” Pooh greeted him. “Are you writing, “All Animals are equal?””
“No, sod that,” said Eeyore. “I’m writing the alphabet.”
“So, you’re still hampering the success of the revolution are you?” hissed Christopher Robin. “I’ll fix you up a treat,” and he began to nail Eeyore’s tail back on.
Pooh couldn’t bear to watch this. “11 o’ clock,” he thought. “Time for a little something. I wonder where Piglet is?”
Chapter 5: In which Pooh and Piglet muse on the failures of Communism and find useful pot.Pooh walked to Piglets house in an old oak tree. On the side of the tree, there was a broken sign, “TRESPASSERS WILL.” Christopher Robin, who knew about such things, said that Trespassers Wilhelm II had been one of the old Czars,
who delighted in grinding the faces of the Piglets in Haycorns. Pooh greeted Piglet.
“Hello Pooh,” said Piglet.
“Hello Piglet,” said Pooh. “I’ve invented a hum. Do you want to hear it?”
“Yes please,” said Piglet.
“It goes something like this,” said Pooh, clearing his throat importantly,
“The Red Flag- tiddley-pom…
Pom Pom our enemies blood
I can’t really remember the words, “ Pooh trailed off apologetically.
“Never mind,” said Piglet. “Neither can the British Labour Party.”
“I’ve just seen Eeyore,” wept Pooh. “Christopher Robin says he is a traitor.”
“Would you like some useful pot?” asked Piglet, passing a large joint to Pooh.
“It’ll make you feel better.” Pooh dragged on the useful pot. He began to see double. There were two oak trees. There were two Piglets. Pooh toked heavily.
Pooh looked from the first Piglet to the second, and from second Piglet to first again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.