Cameron: I don’t like poor people

There were mixed reactions last night as David Cameron admitted to a packed news conference that he didn’t like poor people. Some were outraged by what they saw as an uncaring attitude to a significant section of the population. Others saw it as a bold and refreshing statement that put clear blue water between Cameron’s conservatives and the other political parties.

Mr. Cameron elaborated on his dislike of poor people. ‘It’s really quite simple, explained Cameron, 37, with his fat ‘Henry the Green engine’ face beaming. 'I have two houses. One of them is in the Cotswolds. One of them is in a nice area of London. I choose not to live with poor people. I went to school at Eton. How many poor people got to Eton? That’s right dickheads, none. I don’t know what its like to be poor. I don’t want to know what its like to be poor. David Davis can crap on all he likes about growing up in a council house. I won the leadership contest, loser.’

who's who: from left to right
1) lord ziggy of walthamstow, appeared in grange hill during the late 80's
2) david cameron, leader of conservative party
3) sir naturel bourne-killah, currently on death row in america for an attempted coup in new hampshire and taking it from truman capote to go in his book
4) viscount robert zimmerman, poet and visionary, currently supplying music and poetry to starbucks and lingerie adverts
5) grand moff tarkin, cameron's fag at eton
6) sting, eco-warrior
7) lord lucan
8) that nazi who pretends to be cute and gormless
9) prince kevin of keegan

Cameron’s remarks elicited widespread alarm from middle class wet liberals who were considering voting Cameron as a principled protest against the Labour party’s illegal war in Iraq (2004-present, death count…). Mrs. Penelope Kirk spoke to the Bourgeois yesterday about the moral quandary she and others felt in the wake of this new announcement by Cameron. ‘One asks oneself, is it worse to sacrifice thousands of lives in the middle east in order to safeguard short term future oil supplies, or is it worse to hate poor people? People in my situation now face a huge moral decision. I’m thinking of voting BNP in the next election.’

shadow chancellor george osborne thinks you're jolly common and a cad and doesn't like you

Many members of the Conservative Party however, welcomed signs of firm leadership finally coming from Cameron. As thunder crashed over Pinochet Towers the other day, Baroness Thatcher commented, ‘What the fuck did everyone expect? We’re the Conservative Party. A ha hahahhaha.’