David and Friends

One day, David the blue engine was puffing in the engine shed. ‘Poop poop’, said David to his engine driver. 'Time for a new coat of paint I think.’
‘What colour would you like to be today, David?’ his driver asked.
‘Today I’d like to be green’ David said to the engine driver.

So David got a new coat of green paint. He looked very smart. All the children waved at him. ‘There goes David, the green engine’ they cried. Gordon the Red engine fumed. ‘How come tha fuckin dickheid’s getting all of ma attention?’ he puffed furiously.

One day the Fascist Controller spoke to David.
‘David’ the Fascist Controller said. You are a really useful engine. I want you to do a special job for me. I want you to pull the Flying Kipper.’ David’s eyes rolled round in his head with excitement.
‘Oh, thank you Sir,’ he beamed.

That night David’s engine driver coupled him to the Flying Kipper. They stoked up the fire in his boiler. David was very excited. They were racing along the tracks.
‘Poop poop’, David whistled happily.
‘You’re a fat faced toff, you’re a fat faced toff’, clattered the trucks behind him, but David paid no attention.
‘Steady David, there’s no need to rush’, warned his driver, ‘we’ve got plenty of time.’ But David didn’t listen. He was too excited.

A signal appeared ahead.
‘Stupid signals’ thought David and kept going.
‘Stop David’, his driver shouted. But David wasn’t listening.
‘I’ll show everyone how green I am’ thought David. ‘I’m going to keep going until I reach Alaska. I’m going to get my picture taken with a drowning polar bear.’But what David didn’t realise was that there was water between the Island of Sodor and Alaska. Suddenly David realised he was racing towards a cliff.
‘Help me driver’, he cried, and braked with all his might. The Flying Kipper screeched to a halt, but the precious fishy cargo flew over David’s funnel and fell with a splash into the water.

‘Oh my tenders and pistons’ moaned David. ‘The Fascist Controller will be cross with me. I’d better go and brick myself up in a tunnel till she’s dead.’ So he puffed sadly away to a tunnel and got his engine driver and fireman to brick it up behind him. Soon he heard the sounds of footsteps outside the tunnel. It was the Fascist Controller.
‘David, you blithering idiot,’ cried the Fascist Controller. ‘Do you have any idea of what you have done to EU fish quotas, you utter moron? Come out here so that I can shout at you some more.’ But David didn’t budge an inch. He was too scared.
Some time later the Fascist Controller died. Gordon the Red Engine ran the Railway on the Island of Sodor in a socialist utopia, and unbricked David so he could pull coal trucks. Blunkett the Tram made it so all train journeys cost 2p, and everyone was happy. But that’s another story..

Read about David the Green Engine's fat faced alter ego David Cameron.