A dogs life
In this home no dog does roam but down the lane there barks a pain. It’s very freaky liked by all its small and nasty, this is kiki. Sometimes you wouldn’t know it’s there then you hear it’s owners swear and call it names like little rat or twat but some day soon its gonna bite a brat. Then the coppers will be round and shoot the bastard to the ground. All will howl and be quite sad except for me - cos I’ll be glad. I hate it so and wish each night and day that god will take straight away. The little rat must be charmed because surely now it would be dead – I have put 10 thousands curses on its head. Farewell brave kicki written on a cross but who gives a fucking toss! "A. Monge"
The Dispatch Hero
Faster than a Rocket snaking through the lanes Super sonic Despatch man Even it rains West end east end It all looks the same to me And don’t forget the tower bridge Crossing constantly Dashing round the smoke smashing off car wing mirrors looking for a street that is just off Fleet. fun and wheelies down the pub with the lads at the Robin Hood. The Chiswick high on a Friday night completely bladdered and ready to fight Pronto boys and Warwick dorks talking Bikes and telescopic forks Riding like a mad man changing down and flying never think of accidents or people that are dying But luck and time are running out and death & fear are always near you never see or feel the pain the blood and guts run down the outside lane The lucky are the ones that live and tell the stories of this biking hell the dead remain behind forever flying down the road of sparks and leather Names like super Bri and Forty-four quick as lighting earned a score But the best was faster still Captain scarlet Or 89 flying west and dead on time.
Ballad of el Tel of KD Products
There was a young man called el Tel who worked in a place that was hell with KD & mongs things couldn’t be right and timer was set when went for shite.
His stories of Jordan would lessen the boredom and the models he had were all very glad.
His fighting old Albert a battle of wits which in turn give Keith the manager the shits.
His life was a Bond movie, his kunk foo so groovy and he loved mashing cardboard to bits.
The army were barmy not to sign him for service his days at the cadets left many regrets. The S.A.S wanted him to join their team but at the end of the day KD was supreme.
The poor lad had a screw loose but knew a good tale and made many wail in days of old when kd was gold.
Exploits of el Tel of KD
- He Could get his hands on any firearm gun machine you name it, rockets launches,generades or explosives because he had a mate who worked in an army ammunition depot.
- Shagged Jo Guest model (she's been on the telly) while he was on holiday down south.
- kick boxing champion north west england and did JKD.fight anyone in wrexham.
- his girlfriend was said to be a stunner but when I seen her she looked dead plain with glasses.
- He was in the army cadets and had fired every weapon none to man.
- He was asked to join sas during a training session with the army cadets.
- He liked kicking boxs and making strange noises like bruce lee.
- He had a day off work and said that his gearbox had gone on the way in. he fixed it that day and returned to work the day after.
- He had a stand off with old albert which keith broke up. He said albert was lucky because he would have killed him.
- When he left KD, he took a week off sick and went working for some other company. After the week he rang in and told Old KD to shove the job.
- Knew everything about fast cars and was a boss mechanic.
- His old man worked for kd and looked like the hunch back of notre dam.
Nightmare
Anotther nightmare inspired by bad news Nightmare it’s not a dream or a Honda Machine you the hit the throttle nightmare comes in the shape of the demon on the bottle, It tastes and looks like shit again. Nightmare I’m back in work again nightmare its all the fucking same there’s too much pain. They pay you money for something funny but it’s the time that’s makes it crime. Nightmare I’ve bought a kar thats a bag shit again I Can’t afford to put it right I’ll pray to allah tonight. Nightmare here comes the demon again Nightmare the wine tastes shit again Nightmare here comes the beast again Nightmare nightmare nightmare Nightmare here comes the beast again Nightmare nightmare nightmare
Halloween
Halloweens is coming Halloweens is coming Witches will be after you Big black cats and scary rats Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Halloween is coming Halloween is coming Turnip men and pumpkin heads Horrible brats from council flats Trick or treat and muddy feet Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Halloween is coming Halloween is coming Full moon over Pendle hill Dark black skies and ghostly cries Howling wolves with big red eyes Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Halloween is coming Halloween is coming Pendle brew and Demdike flew Great wild boar on sabden moor haunted barn right next to wiswell farm Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Halloween is here Halloween is here Pray you’r names not on the list I’ll drink beer till I’m pissed Fall to sleep and dream of freddy Now you’re nightmares really ready. Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
A sober tale
Morag hen lives down the lane With a man who is a pain. They have a dog or is it rat I wish it dead I’ll kill the tw*** One day a buzzard will fly down And lift it from the f****** ground Then drop it from a greater height And smash its bones the little shit My name is jock and I’m Hard as rock He likes to fight and knock her out He doesn’t lose a single bout When he’s drunk a gallon 0r more Then its time to punch her To the floor As shes down the boot goes in the neighbours wake - awfull din Nobby falls from his bed and nelly scream’s wake the dead just in time the bobbys come and old jock is on the run. But in nick - not long his stay rose & dunn he must pay. 70 quid and jock is free Morag please tell them it wasn’t me it was whisky can’t you see. Up before the judge he went but the bastard was too bent. jock give him 50 quid and nothing more was ever said until morag turned up dead. The end………………………
The author would like to state any people mentioned in this poem are fictitious and bear no resemblance to any person living or deed! Or gonna be deed ye we shawer of bastards.
Orinoko and Tomsk boy
Just outside the city walls lives tomsk the brave with massive balls and his brother "orinoko the fat" in a garden with the cat. They eat all day and sleep all night and don't give a F*** where they shite. There pigs you see or sometimes not, so clean their cage before they rot. They havn’t seen a girly pig and don't know all about the birds & bees expect the ones in the garden trees. They only had once sexual fling it was'nt nice and took an oedipus ring. So no more trips to see their dad he chased them round and made them sad. But brave young tomsk was fighting mad and battered up poor old dad. He's only happy when he's biting and he's known in Chester for his fighing. but tomsk is nothing without his bro, who is the smellist down below. Orinoko is his name, shitting constantly is his game. They’re the boyZ who rule the garden now and cause poor kitty so much pain she’s driven out of the Haslin lane. The End
You Must Go To Husco
You must go to husco
The people who work there come from two tribes
the one's who are old and one’s for free rides.
They bitch and they back-stab they grass to the boss,
solidarity get fucked, it's gone for a toss.
"They hate" the manager who smells like queer
but there straight down the pub when he buys the beer.
The old hate the young and the young hate the old
and the scouse hate the manks and the blacks - No thanks.
This is factory life as seen in the film
but missing the frills and the bits in between
there not allowed on the silver screen.
The monotonous crap produced from high schools
this why England is so full of fools.
Spewed from a chav's snatch they come in a batch.
All thick as a bulls cock they follow the flock.
They work very cheap and act like daft sheep.
The boss isn't there he doesn't really care,
the computer is king it's all a new thing.
It's just like the scene from Schindlers list
with all of the nazi’s totally pissed
if you don't make the hinges you end up as cinders.
This is life in factory land
they sell their freedom by the pound.
The redneck yanks have bleed it dry
they’ve their days of fortune with British steel
but now it’s time to do the Asian deal.
Good bye Runcorn you’re on the dole
but don’t be so glum you’ve had a good roll.
Also see Husco in the Brown Pages