Chapter Twenty Five
The Red and White Stripey Barrier Thingy is Raised

Keeping to the soggy undergrowth, the two figures were near invisible in their camouflaged cloaks trousers, and boots. It would be easy enough to enter the college grounds on a Saturday, they thought, but they might be questioned by security personnel if they walked in openly. They would have to be careful.

It was quite a trek but they found their way there, passing along Tracey Emin Mews, taking a short cut through the middle of Deadham Marsh Estate, where Hapless stepped into a noisome mess (“from some bastard dog owner”), to stand finally at the corner of the dental school, nicknamed Tooth Towers by the students, and which jutted out into Daggerlad Square, so nick-named after a fracas involving mods and rockers in the 1960s. Peering from behind a laurel bush, they could see the gate clearly, and a porter’s lodge that overlooked it. There were at least three men inside. One keeping a watch on the barrier, while the others sat at computer screens. There seemed little chance of Hapless and Ro getting past without being seen. The friends could hear snatches of lewd laughter on occasion as some joke or amusing tale was told. Smoke issued from a side window.

“What ghastly people”, thought Hapless, with a shudder. “They’re probably laughing at some filthy magazine, or talking about football, or cars”.
“Or breasts”, added Ro, disgustedly.
“They’re obviously not expecting to be disturbed though. “They’re smoking in the building. Hapless shuddered again at the vile image of these wastrels that his mind had conjured from practically no evidence whatsoever but lots of prejudice. Out of nowhere, a familiar but ugly voice cracked beside him.
“Don’t ee like it then Potts?”, spat the unwelcome sound of Drake Murphy. “What are you doing here, we wants to know?” he asked in his miserable whine. “I been watching you, specially you. Prancing like a tit”.
“Who are you?”, demanded Hapless.
“Murphy is the name, Drake Murphy”, said Murphy, extending a very grubby hand.
“That’s all we need!”, said Hapless, not shaking it.
“Where did you crawl from?” demanded Ro, with obvious distaste, and not shaking it either.
“Followed you I did, Weasel”, replied Drake, gleefully.
“Followed you I did”, echoed Ro in a mocking squeak. Drake did not like it.
“Always so pleasant, aren’t you? You’re like a nasty habit. Yes, I followed you. I know you’ve got it, and I want it!”, he declared suddenly.
“What do you want?”, responded Ro innocently, but Murphy’s expression showed the attempt at deceit to have failed.
“Well hard luck!”, interjected Hapless. “You will never get it again. Never! Nevvveeerrrrr!”, he screamed in a frenzied rage. Regaining his composure and looking slightly embarrassed, he looked to see if the men in the gate house had heard the noise, but if they had they didn’t show it. He turned to Ro.
“There’s another man by the bike shed”, said Murphy.
“Where? I can’t see him”, replied Hapless.
“No, He’s right”, said Ro, “He’s over there, look!”
“Come on. It’s the gate or nothing”, he said grimly.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaarrrr! Colin”, laughed Drake with dramatic panache, “They’ll stop you if you try to get in that way, suckers”, he added. “No, you can’t go this way Colin, not if you don’t want them to find you. There is another way, you know. The side gate is always unlocked, near the Ungulate Building, where the big spider is, Colin. Go that way, if you’re not too scared”. Hapless gulped, he thought himself no coward, but would avoid spiders if he could. The gleam in Murphy’s eye looked as if he was daring them to go that way.
“Who’s Colin?”, asked Ro.
“He is, isn’t he?, replied Murphy.
“No, his name is Hapless, Happy, Potts, Potty, Potters, all sorts of names, but not Colin”.
“Oh”, said Murphy, “He looks like a Colin.
Hapless looked at them both, considering what to say. “Fair enough!”, he said finally, “good idea. We’ll go that way”. Off they marched immediately. Too late! With a subdued ‘beep’, an old car spluttered up. The man in the gatehouse raised the barrier, and with a wave of his arm, the car drove through and out into the streets of suburbia. They watched, the barrier closed, the car was gone.
“Phew!”, said Ro, “Do you know who that was?”, he said to the others.
“No”, said Hapless and Murphy together.
“It was a nonentity”, said Ro, gravely.

They turned to go.
“You don’t need to come along, Murphy”, said Ro, unpleasantly.
“Always so nice”, replied Murphy, sarcastically. “It’s OK to call me Drake”, he said. There came no reply, so he slunk off. When they were out of sight, however, he turned and followed them.
“You’d have to make him up, wouldn’t you?”, mused Ro idly.
“What do you mean?”, replied Hapless.
“You know!”, said Ro, “You don’t find characters like him, do you?”
“Spose not”, replied Hapless, “but why would you want to make him up?”
“Well, you know, if it was a story…” Hapless said nothing, so after a while, Ro continued, “Do you think we’ll ever be in a story Mr Hapless sir?”, he asked innocently.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”, demanded Hapless emphatically, “Have you lost your marbles?”.