Chapter Thirty Three
The Crutch Crux

Turning back to the matter in hand, Hapless examined the main strut. “I wonder if this section has been replaced”, he said, twisting the barrel of the crutch. The brace end came loose, and he found he could pull it apart. “There are wires here, I can see them”, he said. He pulled the top upwards slowly and carefully, and a long mechanism followed it out of the barrel of the crutch. A diode was flashing, but otherwise there appeared to be no moving parts or other signs of activity. “Let’s get it over to the light”, he said, but when he pulled it away from the umbrella stand, something tugged, and a bleeping noise started.

“It’s plugged in to this socket”, exclaimed Ro. “This is definitely the thing we’re looking for!”
Hapless carefully placed the mechanism back together. “We don’t need to look inside really.”, he said, “Just destroy it”.
“Right”, agreed Ro.
“What is it anyway?”, asked Drake.
“It’s a field transmitter”, replied Ro.
“You’re saying it transmits fields?” asked Drake, perplexed and looking doubtful.
“Back to horses again”, said Hapless.
“No”, said Ro. “It generates and transmits a signal that is interpreted by the electronics in the torus to create the osmium-taegidium effect, which is essentially a particle-field that interferes with the brain’s frontal lobe to influence behaviour”.
“No kidding?”, said Drake, completely confused, with no idea at all what Ro was talking about.
“Is that really what it does?”, asked Hapless. “I really didn’t have a clue”, he admitted.
“Well, that didn’t stop you going to all this trouble to destroy it!”, exclaimed Ro in astonishment. “What did you think it did?”
“I didn’t know”, said Hapless, lamely. “I knew it controlled the torus, of course, but I just didn’t know how, that’s all”, and then added, “There’s no need to get all uppity about it Ro. I know destroying it will take away the basis of Vol-au-vent’s power, and that’s good enough”.
“Ooh! Get you!”, minced Drake, trying hard to portray sarcasm, but not really managing to summon the bitterness of a true master. “So what does it do really?”, he asked, plainly.
“It controls the torus”, said Ro, “and without it, the torus will be useless”.
“Oh!”, said Drake, meekly, “Will it affect the doughnut?”
“Yup! The doughnut will be useless”, came Ro’s reply.
“Don’t tell him that!”, exclaimed Hapless. “Idiot! Don’t worry Drake”, he continued, “The doughnut will not be harmed physically. It just won’t work any more”.
“Sod you, your majesty!”, said Ro.
“Well, I’m not havin’ that! Colin”, declared Drake, sternly, “I need it”.
“We know what you need it for”, said Hapless, with some disgust, “but, don’t worry, it’ll be the same shape. Trust me”. Drake scowled.
“Well, here goes”, said Hapless.
“Nooooooo!”, yelled Drake. He picked up the horse crutch and made off with it, heading towards the door. Hapless held up a hand to stop him, whereupon the forefinger of his left hand was bent back by the brace piece painfully.
“Ow!”, he yelped, “My bloody finger!”
“Oh, poor master!”, said Ro without conviction.
“Sorry!”, said Drake, “I didn’t mean to do that. Are you OK?”
“Come on Drake”, said Hapless, ruefully, “Hand the bloody thing over”. You wouldn’t have got far anyway. There’s only about ten feet of flex.
“Oh, alright”, came the meek reply, “as long as you’re sure the doughnut will be OK”, and he handed the horse crutch back to Hapless.
“Why shouldn’t it?”, said Hapless rhetorically, taking it. “What shall we do with this horse crutch, do you think?”, he asked generally. “There doesn’t seem to be any option except to unplug it from the mains”.
“But we’ll have to destroy the mechanism”, said Ro. “Maybe we can smash it with a hammer when we get outside”.
“What about this?”, suggested Drake, pointing to a large red button on what appeared to be the main bus of the circuitry. “It says ‘DON’T’ in large black letters”.
“Well if it says ‘don’t’ in big letters, maybe we should be careful of it”, suggested Ro. “Perhaps we should just unplug it and go”.
“Yes”, agreed Hapless. “Let’s take it somewhere and throw a rock at it”, he suggested.

Drake pressed the red button. They stared at the machine. Over on the table the doughnut made a small popping sound but otherwise remained unchanged, but as he turned to inspect it, a large yellow plasma emanated from the horse crutch. It enveloped Drake Murphy completely, and with a loud ‘slurp!’, he and the yellow plasma were gone (off to eke out a new existence in Dimension 13b, where he was considered a God, but they ate his brain), and Drake Murphy was never seen on Earth by any human again).

“Crikey!”, said Hapless. “He’s disappeared!”
The mechanism of the horse crutch exploded in a mess of metal components, springs and wires, which sprinkled over the floor. “We’re getting out of here!”, exclaimed Ro.
“We can’t leave this mess lying here”, said Hapless, “It contains all of the components of the field generator!”
“Good thinking!”, agreed Ro. They hurriedly gathered the pieces together and placed them and the doughnut in a plastic carrier bag that was lying on a chair. Then they turned off the light, shut the door, went downstairs, said goodbye to the janitor, and made for the nearest pub, which Ro had noticed not far from the Jilly Cooper Library.